Self-Discovery: Chronic Indecision and a Lack of Confidence

Today I realized that I’ve been lying to myself for the past 22 (almost 23) years of my life. I’ve always believed – and I’ve made people believe – that I am a strong, confident woman who has her own goals and marches to the beat of her own drums. And yes, I know that I compare my achievements to others (see An Introduction to Self-Discovery) but I just thought that was my competitive spirit. Now I think that I’m actually very insecure deep down and look outwards for approval.

This revelation came earlier today. I am currently in the process of deciding which graduate program to pursue and I’ve delayed the decision for so long. I’ve changed my mind about 50 million times, had dreams/nightmares about the decision, and have asked so many people their opinions. These aren’t all inherently bad (well, except the changing my mind one) but my severe lack of conviction is concerning. I find myself completely resolute one moment, only to hear something from someone else and be completely convinced of the opposite. In fact, each time I was “decided” I could almost feel my conviction wavering or strengthening with each contrary or similar opinion I received. It’s so bad that I am doubting if I even know what I want.

Now sitting and reflecting on this, I realize that this lack of confidence in my decisions has permeated many aspects of my life. It was there when I chose my undergraduate university based on how it made my parents feel, it is there when I do something that one of my friends doesn’t like or approve of, it’s even there when I choose my dinner at restaurants! I frequently have a very difficult time choosing, frequently bounce from one idea to another based on people’s opinions, and am frequently left with a faint feeling of regret, thinking “what if I made that other decision, would my life be better off now?”

Of course, this isn’t always the case, but it often is. I’ve done a very surface level of research on this and even taken a quiz that confirmed my deepest fear: I am often easily influenced. I don’t know how I’ve lived for 22 years without realizing this. Or perhaps I did realize it and I just ignored it or lied to myself about its presence. I don’t know which is worse: ignorance or dishonesty. But reading the results of this quiz really scared me. The sentence that got to me was this:

If you often go with the suggestions put forward by those close to you it’s because you don’t feel that you have particular ideals to stick to, or a definite goal which would give you the courage of your convictions.

psychologies.co.uk

I don’t want to live my life without a definite goal and yet, every time I think about my future, I don’t really know what I’m doing. I’ve always thought my interest in several fields was a testament to my intellectual capacity but is it actually just a manifestation of my lack of direction and conviction in life? Are these two necessarily synonymous?

Maybe I’m putting too much stock in this one online quiz. In any case, I can’t be alone in this. I can’t be the only one who is overly influenced by other people’s opinions, non-committal (aka flaky), and slow to make decisions. Hell, there might even be people who, like me, fooled themselves and others into thinking they are this unflappable boss when, in actuality, they are as flappable as the wings of a bat. At least now I know what the problem is and can hopefully solve it before I start my graduate program. Another stop to add to my journey of self-discovery.